Image: Koichi Kamoshida; HBO (Getty Images/HBO)
Maybe it’s because none of us has never really seen special counsel Robert Mueller—or maybe it’s because I just never gave a shit. But during his first public speaking appearance since he dropped his long-awaited debut album, Strictly for My Russian Niggaz, the exposé into how Russia straight finessed the 2016 presidential election, I never noticed that Mueller looks just like the Night King, but with more hair. The resemblance is uncanny. And it’s like my grandfather always said, “Never trust a special counsel whose staff couldn’t even warn him that an assassin was creeping on his ass.”
Maybe it’s because William Barr, a.k.a. Big Fred Flintstone, did a press conference and Mueller was on his “Hell no, Bitch, you are not going to be out here doing speaking engagements on my debut!” Mueller decided that it was his time to step to the mic and say his piece, and he did so today.
Below are my immediate thoughts on Mueller’s public statement.
1. Who is Mueller speaking to?
This entire speech is very NeNe Leakes (slight bars).
Mueller seems to be telling Congress to stop thinking that he’s coming to talk to y’all when he put out this long-ass book report, and that speaks for itself. Mueller is definitely talking to Congress as he’s noting that he ain’t even taking questions after his press conference because he’s done with all of this.
“The report is my testimony,” Mueller said, which is basically a remix of Leakes’ “I said what I said.”
2. Mueller is quitting.
Of course he’s quitting, as there ain’t shit else for him to do. His job was to investigate Russian collusion during the 2016 election and release those results, and he’s done that; kind of pointless to mention this. This would be the equivalent of me going into Target, spending way more money than I planned because, seriously, who goes into Target and doesn’t spend way more than they planned and then yells on their way out, “I’m done shopping guys, so I’m leaving now!”
3. Mueller is full of shit.
I don’t know Mueller personally, but I know people who are full of shit and they have that thing they do where they play with words and make a full-on fucking word scramble to the point that you stop caring about whatever it was you asked about.
Me: Hey man, did you eat the last piece of bologna?
Full of shit person: I can say that bologna was here in the fridge and I can also say that bologna was eaten. But, I cannot say whether or not bologna is missing and if said missing bologna was consumed by me.
Mueller pulled one of these during his public statement when he noted: “If we had confidence the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so. We did not.”
Just say whether you ate the damn bologna, Mueller!
4. Just found out Mueller’s middle name.
So this technically has nothing to do with his presser, but I wouldn’t have found this out had it not been for the presser, which forced me to Google, which lead me to his middle name.
Ready for it? Mueller’s middle name is Swan.
If this is not the most pimp-ish shit ever. If my middle name were Swan, everyone would be calling me Swan Mueller. I wouldn’t even go by Robert. Someone would call me Robert and I would reply, “Bitch, are you referring to Swan?”
I would always refer to myself in third person.
“Swan got to do what Swan got to do, ya feel me?”
“I don’t give a fuck what anybody say, cause I know they ain’t talking about Swan.”
“Shi’d, Swan going to be alright.”
I wish I were at the press conference so I could’ve have yelled, “Swan, I just have one question…” And when Swan looked at me, in my eyes, he would know that I knew what was up.