France Stuns Team USA With Crushing Defeat in FIBA Quarterfinals


United States’ Donovan Mitchell, center and France’s Evan Fournier at left races for the ball during a quarterfinal match for the FIBA Basketball World Cup in Dongguan in southern China’s Guangdong province on Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2019. France defeated United States 89-79.Photo: AP Photo (Ng Han Guan)

Since 2006, Team USA had won 58 straight games in FIBA and Olympic competition. That glorious streak came to a screeching halt on Wednesday when France—fucking France!—beat our ass 89-79 in the FIBA quarterfinals to eliminate Team USA from medal contention.

ESPN reports that while Team USA has secured a berth in the 2020 Olympics, the best FIBA tournament finish we can pray for now is fifth place. So yes, while hell has officially frozen over, and Trump’s America has been humiliated in front of the entire world, let’s not clamor to have the U.S. Department of State revoke all their passports—yet.

I mean, sure. This will be the first time since 2002 that we won’t medal, but ummm…Did you see who we sent?

In 2014, we trotted out a squad full of Batman villains led by six-time NBA All-Star Anthony Davis and three-time NBA champion Steph Curry. This time around, it was Kemba Walker of the Boston Celtics, could-be superstar Jayson Tatum and a bench full of substitute teachers. All summer long, big name after big name after big name withdrew from the tournament citing a number of reasons, so even with masterminds like Gregg Popovich and Steve Kerr at the helm, our quest to become the first country to win three consecutive World Cups was an uphill battle from the jump. While other countries had continuity and beefier rosters in their favor, we just never had the firepower.

It’s not my place to tell professional athletes how to spend their summer vacation, but hopefully, this L inspires the rest of the NBA to take the Olympics and FIBA tournament more seriously.

Because this is some bullshit.